


Dear Blank

by MollyMurphy4



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Diary/Journal, M/M, No graphic sex, POV Harry Styles, X Factor to present, larry stylinson - Freeform, one direction - Freeform, side Ziam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-18
Updated: 2015-07-18
Packaged: 2018-04-09 23:33:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4368590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MollyMurphy4/pseuds/MollyMurphy4
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At the age of sixteen, Harry Styles buys a journal to maybe learn a thing or two about himself. What he doesn't know is that his whole life is about to change. Realizing that even having everything in the world is not always enough. </p><p>Or</p><p>Harry buys a journal and doesn't know who he is writing too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own or have any affiliation with One Direction and all that sort of stuff. I'm going to try and keep it fairly accurate to the events that have actually happened. Obviously no where near being a 100% accurate.  
> This is my second time trying to write this so let's hope for the best xx

April 4, 2010 

Dear Blank,

I have always hear the best way to get to know yourself is to write about yourself. At least I think I have heard that before, there is a good chance that I could have made that up to make this sound a little more interesting. 

I suppose a little introduction might be needed. My name is Harry Styles, I am currently sixteen years old. I live with my mom and sister, Gemma, in Cheshire, England. The most interesting thing about me is that I work at a bakery. 

A big reason for buying this journal (Gemma keeps calling it a diary and I refuse for it be that) is my mom. She believes that my life is about to change significantly, so she thinks me having this journal will be good for my future self to have. I don't even know who I'm writing this too, reason why I have "Dear Blank" at the top. It's not like I could have "Dear Diary" at the top. That reduces me to a twelve year old girl who thinks her parents don't understand her and only writes about the boy who has said a total of two words to her. Having only the date at the top makes it to formal. So until I figure out who this is for, "Dear Blank" will stay. 

Mom thinks my life is going to change because of my X Factor audition (a week from today). It's not that I think I'm a horrible singer, I know that I am decent but I do not think that I am good enough for Simon, Louis, and Cheryl to think, "Yes! Harry Styles you have the X Factor!" It does not seem realistic to me. 

But to please my mom, I bought this journal. It isn't a horrible idea honestly. I might actually learn a thing or two about myself. Or maybe when I die and a family member finds it they can publish it and I'll be the next Anne Frank. Kids all over the world will be reading about my life, and they will all hate it because they think it will be as boring as shit. Never mind I don't want to be like Anne, kids would just hate me because they would have to use me for homework. 

I don't think I have anything else to write at the current moment. I also think that I might be late to work.... Shit okay I am. 

Until next time  
Harry Styles x


	2. Chapter 2

April 12, 2010

Dear Blank,

Wowowowowowowowowow. 

Wow

Okay, um yeah okay so yesterday was probably the most amazing day of my life. It was, wow okay I don't know how to put this into words. 

So yesterday, my mom, Gemma, and I drove to Manchester for the audition. We stood in line for about eight hours I think. I wasn't paying that much attention, I was too worried about the audition. A couple of camera men came up to me and started asking questions about me and what not. So I think that means my audition will be on television which is insane to think about. 

When we were finally back stage waiting for the "Send out the next person." I think I almost threw up about five times. Finally when I went on stage, the nerves kinda disappeared I guess. I'm not sure, I remember being on stage and feeling ten times more calm than I had standing back stage. 

As the judges do with all of the contestants they asked a couple of questions (I mentioned I work at a bakery, stupid idea). Then came the singing part. I sang "Isn't She Lovely" by Stevie Wonder, a classic honestly. 

And wow, it was amazing feeling standing up there and singing. This wasn't the first time that I had ever performed in front of people, I was in a band before this, but this was so much different. I felt like if I jumped off a building I could fly (I didn't go test that theory).

When I had finished singing, most of the people in the crowd stood up, Louis and Cheryl both stood up. It was amazing. 

I won't bore you with all of the comments the judges said because the important thing is that they said yes!

I'm going to boot camp!!!!!

I'm about to scream thinking about it. I honestly did not think that I could do it. I knew I wasn't horrible but I didn't know I was good enough for this. 

Boot camp doesn't start until July 17, so I have time to really process what is about to happen. 

Oh my gosh it's insane, the whole thing is insane. Eventually it will sink in, probably won't sink in until I'm at boot camp but that's okay. 

I should probably go study for end of term exams, mom says that I still have to finish school even if I become a giant music star. That won't happen but oh well. 

Until next time  
Harry Styles x


	3. Chapter 3

May 19, 2010 

Dear Blank,

Okay yes I realize it's been over a month since I've written in this, but nothing has happened for me to write about. Everything has been seemingly normal and boring since the audition. So that's why I'm going to talk about who I am in the entry. 

I told myself at the beginning this would be a good way to really figure out who I am. By doing that I need to be honest with myself. Because I can keep doing what I've been doing and ignore and burying it deep in me, or I can man the fuck up and just say it (or write it in this case). 

Here it goes: I'm gay. 

There it is, it is on paper, in pen, so that makes it true. 

You know I was expecting this great weight to be lifted off of my chest but I feel no different. Wonderful. 

I haven't actually said it out loud. Not even to myself let alone to anyone else. I think people know though. I mean it isn't hard to guess. I've only ever had one girlfriend and that lasted about one week because we were twelve. After that girls did not make sense to me. My friends would talk about how they thought a certain girl was "hot" and all I did was nod along while staring at some boy across the room (it's not as creepy as it sounds I don't think). 

Nobody ever asks if I fancy any girls they always phrase it as, "So Harry, anybody fancy your eye lately?" Trying to see if I'll go, "Oh yes that boy from the movies last Friday looked quite lovely." 

It never happens though. 

I'm not really afraid of what people will think or say, I know most of the people won't care all that much. A girl came out a couple of months back and there were only about five assholes in her class. Then about ten other boys were ready to kick their asses if they didn't shut up. 

So that isn't what scares me, I think what scares me is what happens once I'm out. I don't want fifteen new "best friends" because I'm gay. I also don't want to deal with guys being worried to hang out with me incase I "hit on them". And I don't think they would do it purposely but only a few people have ever said they were gay here so no one really knows what to do. So I wouldn't blame them if that happened.

It seems easier to not say anything. Gemma hints at it all the time, I think she might think I'm more bi than gay but she points out guys and girls to me all the time trying to get some sort of reaction. 

Growing up my mom has always said that we can love whoever we want and be whoever we want. So I think if I told her I was actually a girl who was asexual and like boys and girls she would be ecstatic. She would be ecstatic if I said I was straight. She would be ecstatic about any situation but right now she's kind of in limbo. Because she doesn't want to make any assumptions and doesn't want to say something that could offend me. 

Before telling anyone else I need to go find some forest and scream it at the top of my lungs. Maybe that'll make me more comfortable about it. 

Well hopefully I don't have many of these, "I need to write about my feelings and cry about it" entries. 

Okay so, I'm going to guess nothing truly amazing or interesting is going to happen till boot camp (59 days oh god that's horrible).

I'll be sure to update you on anything interesting that happens in the Amazing Life of Harry Styles (that's what my autobiography is going to be called).

Until next time   
Harry Styles x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm currently in a car for the next 8 hours so probably a couple of chapters will be uploaded today.   
> There won't be a schedule to when I post them because I am horrible at schedules, but I'll do my best upload often xx


	4. Chapter 4

July 17, 2010

Dear Blank,

Like I said, nothing happened. School ended which was nice. Then I worked, a lot. I hung out with friends. Literally your stereotypical teenager life. 

But now I am at boot camp and I am trying to recover from the most embarrassing encounter/moment of my existence. I have done some embarrassing stuff, and I thought all of those were bad but this tops the cake (is that the saying?).

I accidentally peed on a gorgeous boy. 

You heard it right. I. Peed. On. A. Gorgeous. Boy. 

First day of boot camp and I have already made a complete fool of myself. Lovely. 

It was such a freak accident, I was just standing there doing my business. Then out of no where, I didn't even hear the door open, he is standing there. And of course I was startled a little bit and I got pee on him. 

I PEED ON HIM! 

My first reaction was to say, "Oops!" I said oops, not sorry or anything else. 

He just stands there and smiles and says, "Hi." 

That's not what should have happened. If I was him I would have said, "The fuck you do that for?" 

But nope, him and his gorgeous self laughs and smiles at me while panic. I had no idea what to do. I couldn't find the will to be ask if he wanted me to clean his pants or shoes or whatever part of him it got on. 

I hate myself. 

After I had somewhat gathered myself and he stopped laughing at me, he introduced himself. 

Louis Tomlinson 

For the five minutes we talked I fell in love. 

He is also here as a solo act, from Doncaster. He seems like a nice guy, he is also very funny, and good looking. 

He told me later on in the week he wanted to get a picture with me because he thinks I'm going to be famous. 

Like I said he is funny. 

So now I'm sitting in my hotel room mortified and not wanting to go down stairs and eat dinner. I mean as situations go for peeing on someone, this could have been much worse. Nonetheless, I still peed on someone. 

Besides that wonderful event during the day, the first day went well. Today was more of a get aquatinted with everyone kind of day. 

And I definitely did that with Louis. 

There's this very loud Irish boy who carries his guitar wherever he goes. I think his name is Neil or something close to that. Seems like a fun lad, always had a large group of people around him. 

Simon informed us tomorrow is the choreography day. Which means I'll be kicked out tomorrow due to my lack of dance skill and coordination in general. I can be walking in a straight line and then all of a sudden I'm tripping over an invisible rock. So I have a feeling Simon is going to come up to me and say, "Listen Harry, you are bloody awful at dancing or moving in any way. I think you might want to pack your bag up." 

I'm not sure if that has ever happened in X Factor history, but I would definitely be the first for that to happen too. 

I think Neil (??) is running up and down the hallways shouting that dinner is ready. Maybe if I wear all black Louis won't even see me and will have forgotten about the whole thing. 

Who am I kidding? Who fucking forgets about the person that peed on you? 

I'll keep you updated on boot camp and all of the other times I embarrass myself. 

Until next time  
Harry Styles x


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have started watching the X Factor season the boys were on to try and make this a little more accurate. So technically this entry should be switched with the one before but that's okay right now. Hope for them to be pretty accurate on the time line from now on xx

July 19, 2010

Dear Blank,

Third day of boot camp and I haven't been kicked out yet. I also talked to Neil yesterday... His name isn't Neil......

"You're Neil right?"

"Hahaha lad you fuckin' wit me right? M'name is Niall." 

So we can add that to the list of "When Harry Doesn't Know How to Be a Normal Human Being." 

At the dance part yesterday I learned 1. I am a lot worse than I thought I was 2. I am not the worse. There was guy who didn't even show up because he was so embarrassed of how bad he is. Don't know his name, quiet guy, not many people have talked to him. Heard him sing though and dang his voice is killer. When you listen to him it's like five angels are harmonizing perfectly (that is a really stupid analogy).

So today, the judges split us up as boys, girls, groups, and over twenty five. Each group had a different song to practice and then perform individually. 

That made this whole thing a lot more nerve racking, because the whole time I was surrounded by over fifty other guys who were all amazing. The whole time I kept thinking, "There is no way I'm going to make it past today."

After I had performed (didn't go horribly but could have gone better) I went out to the audience area to watch the other contestants. I think I had zoned off or maybe fell asleep for a couple of minutes, but I snapped back into it when I heard Simon say into the mic, "Hello Louis."

Looking up at the stage I see Louis standing up there in a t-shit, jeans, and a red beanie. Now we haven't really talked since the "accident," I had only seen him a couple of times and he has always waved and smiled at me, basically I run away each time. 

So I'm not one hundred percent sure what he thinks of me, but beside the point when he started singing, wow. It was amazing. Louis doesn't have the typical pop voice I guess, but his voice is good. I think he deserves to make it far in this competition because he can do so much with his voice if given the chance I think. 

After everyone did their song it was time for cuts. Simon and Louis had informed us about half of us would be sent home today. You can only imagine how nervous everyone was. Even before the cuts had begun, there were people crying everywhere. It was really the moment I realized that I really do want this. I want to make it far. I want to prove to myself and to everyone else that I am good at this and deserve to be here.

I didn't get cut, if I had gotten cut then there would be tear stains all over this page. Actually there wouldn't even be any words it would only be tears. 

Tomorrow we have to have a whole new song prepared. This is the song that determines whether or not we make it to the judges house. I've started working on mine, it's a nice simple ballad. The vocal coach keeps telling me I need to make it my own, much easier said than done. 

So I took a break to write and think about how to start a conversation with Louis. He's a fairly popular guy, almost like Niall but slightly wittier. 

Probably better if I don't talk to him so I don't embarrass myself more than I already have. 

Until next time  
Harry Styles x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave any comments on suggestions of what I can do to improve. I want to make this the best that I can possibly make it xx


	6. Chapter 6

July 23, 2010

Dear Blank,

I don't think I have ever experienced so much stress and excitement all in a matter of four days before. 

So, on Tuesday the first half of people did their audition. I was amongst that group, along with Niall and this boy named Liam who I had only met once or twice before. After that it became torture. We had to sit around and wait that whole day with no news. As well as Wednesday because that was the second half of the contestants. Still no news then. On Thursday the judges made their final decisions but did not tell us till today. 

I don't think I have slept in the past 36 hours. I would try and sleep and then I would get hit by this giant wave of anxiety, so sleep never came. 

The only good thing is that everyone else was feeling the exact same way. I ended up talking Aiden Grimshaw quite a bit Wednesday night and most of the day yesterday. His brother is the BBC radio host Nick Grimshaw, which is pretty cool honestly. 

I finally talked to Louis! He actually initiated the conversation but we talked! He asked for my picture still convinced that I am going to be famous one day. 

After getting this girl, Cher Lloyd I think, to take our picture, I asked why he even wanted one. To which he replied, "Well I gotta have proof that I am the true Harry Styles fan. And I will do that buy rubbing it in all of the young girl that fall in love with you that I was the first to ever get a picture with you." He then had a slight smirk and winked at me, then left. 

I didn't even have time to respond, I momentarily forgot how to speak. 

That was yesterday, before literally my whole life went flip flop. The exact opposite of what anyone would think could happen, happened. 

The judges informed us that instead of six from each group they would be sending eight through from each group. Which bumped up the chances enough to give me hope. 

Shortly after lunch, pretty sure nobody was eating, some show producer type people started gathering up the boys. Leading us to the stage where we all stood in a straight line and waited for our name. 

Louis, Simon, and Nicole kept calling name after name. None of them being my name. When they finally got to the final contestant that will have made it through, I was still not called. 

Words cannot describe the devastation I felt. Walking off the stage felt like a giant slap to the face. Everywhere I looked boys were either sobbing or staring off into space as if someone had flipped an off switch on them. Neither Louis, Liam, or Niall had made it through. The very quiet boy, his name is Zayn apparently, also didn't make it through which was surprising to me. 

Right before all of the contestants who did not make it were about to leave they pulled a lot of the guys back over into a group, they did the same for the girls. 

A show producer then started reading names off of a list. "Zayn Malik, Liam Payne, Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, and Niall Horan, please follow me." 

So of course we all followed. 

I had heard Zayn mutter to himself, "Probably want to get film of us crying for the TV show." 

That wasn't exactly true. 

The producer led us back over to back stage and then had the five of us go up on the stage. While walking into the stage, four other girls were as well walking onto the stage. 

Simon, Louis, and Nicole were all still sitting in their judges' chairs. 

Nicole started talking about how she knew that it must be very difficult for us to be up on the stage at that current moment. Then informed us that she believed that we are all too good to be sent home. 

Simone then jumped into say, "So we are putting you through as two separate groups." 

Then all you heard was screaming and people jumping around. 

My first reaction was to fall onto the floor. When I got back up I saw Louis looking at me and I ran over to him and picked him into a big bear hug and ran around a little bit with him in my arms. Probably the most contact I have ever had with a boy. 

After our mini celebrations Simon told us that from now on we are going to have to work twice as hard as any other contestant on this show. I looked at the boys standing around me and felt confident that we can do this. 

The judges let us go and all of us ran off the stage to go find the rest of the contestants that had made it through. That had become a giant mess of people jumping around and hugging people that they had never even talked too. 

It was incredible.

I know that when I got this journal my mom had said that she felt my life was going to change, but dang I was not expecting anything like this. 

We have the judges house coming up soon. I think the boys and I are going to try and get together to get to know each other before fully going back into the competition. 

I was excited about the X Factor before but now I am ecstatic. 

I'm not sure that anything will ever make me feel this happy ever again. 

Until next time  
Harry Styles x


	7. Chapter 7

August 1, 2010

Dear Blank,

Being in a group is 10x more fun and exciting than being a solo. I now have four other boys who are going through the exact same thing with me. 

The boys are great. 

Niall is hilarious, very happy, and he's good. He is a good singer and person. 

Louis, well Louis is Louis and I'm trying very hard not go crazy for him (he's currently next to me sleeping). He's actually the oldest out of all of us, when I saw Liam I thought he would be the oldest. Liam and him aren't getting along very well currently. There was a little bit of yelling last night while we were practicing. 

"Louis stop messing around and actually rehearse! You act like you don't even care!"

"Oh I'm sorry Liam I didn't realize you could read my mind and know exactly how I feel about this competition." 

But besides those two we all get along really well! Zayn has started to talk more, he's slowly but surely opening up. He seems to have attached himself to Liam a little bit. Liam has done the same as well, he seems to be very protective over Zayn. Both of them are phenomenal singers. Zayn is really good at hitting high notes and harmonizing. Liam has a strong voice, personally think he is the most talented out of all of us. 

These past two days we have been staying at my dads cabin because it seems to be in the middle of all of us, not including Niall since you can't really find a middle with him being in Ireland. Most of the time we've just been fooling around seeing how we sound together. 

Last night, we settled on a song to sing (Torn by Natalie Imbruglia) so we started hard core practicing it. Louis was goofing off a little at one point, which was what caused the fighting between him and Liam.

Right now I think all of the boys are still asleep, I know Louis is at least. Him and I took my dads room, Liam and Zayn took the guest room, and Niall I think took the couch (??). We had a couple of drinks last night and I think he may have had one too many so for all I know he's in the bath tub asleep. 

This coming Friday is when the five of us are heading to Spain to go to one of the judges's house. They wouldn't tell us who it was. Personally would want either Cheryl or Simon. Cheryl is nice and Simon is tough but good. The fact that we have made it to the judges house is enough for me. 

Louis is starting to wake up, I'm going to wrap this up because I don't need him 1. Asking what this is 2. Seeing anything that I have written about him. It was different having a slight crush on another competitor but now that we are in the same group, way too many problems can happen because of that. 

Until next time   
Harry Styles x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always leave any comments on what I can do to improve xx


	8. Chapter 8

August 8, 2010

Dear Blank,

HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I HAVE NO WORDS ABSOLUTELY NO WORDS

HOLY SHIT

Okay okay, um so wow, one Simon is our mentor. Which fucking sick. So stressful these past three days. Friday we got to the house and were given the day to rehearse and hang around the house. 

Well Louis went and stepped on a sea urchin and was sent to the hotel. I think Liam almost had a mental breakdown. We were all slightly worried because it became a lot harder to practice without him. 

He was back yesterday morning, which was when we had to perform for Simon. That was killer. Wow it was probably the most nerve racking performance I have ever had. Everything had gone exactly how we had practiced. There wasn't much more we could do after that. 

Last night we sat around just the five of us chatting, getting to know each other better. Louis plays soccer, Zayn is a sick artist, Niall is even weirder than I thought he was, and Liam is afraid of spoons. How someone becomes afraid of spoons but he did it. He also only has one kidney! 

I told them I worked at bakery and the first thing Niall said was, "So does that mean you can bake us whatever we want?" I think I am about to become the official cook of One Direction.

Oh! I forgot to mention we came up with a name. Just mentioned the name, One Direction. Niall came up with it, we were struggling to come up with something and that was the only one that seemed to work the best with us. So that's the one we stuck with.

Last night when me and Louis were laying in our beds and he said, "I think I need to tell you and the boys something, I don't know how to say it though. Terrified to tell you guys."

I was fairly confused so all I said was, "Well as long as you don't tell us you're a serial killer or love torturing cute little animals, I don't think we will care. We all like you, even Liam does he's a little wound up is all." 

"Thanks Harry," a couple minutes later I heard, "Goodnight." 

I didn't respond though. Not sure why but I didn't. He still hasn't said what he said he needed to tell us. 

But today was the day Simon picked his top three. And guess who his top three are? 

Well I'll tell you.. ONE DIRECTION IS ONE OF HIS TOP THREE!!

YES!

Okay I think I need to stop shouting and jumping around. People on the plane are starting to give me weird looks, including Louis. I'm on the plane with Liam, Zayn, and Louis. Niall took a different plane back to Ireland. 

The live shows start up in October. So we are going to try and visit each other as much as possible. Probably spend a weekend at each boys house. Which will be cool to get to go to Ireland if we do that. 

Basically my life doesn't even feel real anymore and I'm not sure that I can even wait till October for the live shows. All I want is for this plane to land at the X Factor stadium and to start rehearsing. 

Until next time   
Harry Styles x


	9. Chapter 9

August 24, 2010

Dear Blank,

I hate myself, I am an idiot. See if I was a smart person I would not be in the situation that I am in currently. Smart people don't get in these situations. 

I think I fancy Louis. 

I am an idiot. 

The worse part about all of this is, this past weekend we were all at Liam's hanging out and Louis, out of nowhere shouts out, "I'm gay!" 

(Of course he is, my little crush could have gone away so much easier if he was straight) 

None of us knew how to react. Me and Zayn were in a middle of a conversation when he said it and both of our heads popped up and looked at him, looked at each other, then back at him. Niall was carrying a bowl of pretzels and dropped it. Liam was laying down and slowly sat up. 

Eventually, after about two or three minutes of silence, Louis goes, "Well you know in this type of situation it's usually good to say something. Along the lines of, 'Fucking faggot get the fuck out of here we don't want you,' or, 'Okay mate we don't care, good for you, got a boyfriend?'"

After another moment of silence, Niall said, "My cousin is gay." 

All I could do was start laughing, eventually Louis started laughing along with the rest of the boys. We all sat on the floor laughing and then each of us informing him that we honestly do not care who "he sticks his dick into" as Niall gracefully said. 

Louis told us that he only his mom and a couple of close friends knew and he didn't plan on telling anyone else for a long time. I think he's even more scared to tell anyone now that he's in a boy band now. 

I still haven't said it out loud. Now that Louis has said it, I'm not sure how I can say it. I feel like if I was to tell them I should have told them after he had said it. But no I sat there and went to the bathroom and cried a little bit because I felt (feel) like a coward. 

Not that he sounded all that confident to say it but he said it! And I can't do that. 

The whole, "Oh you'll come out when you're ready thing," is bullshit. I should have told them since I know how they are going to react. 

I am a coward. 

I am a coward that probably fancies one of his band mates. 

Out of all the things that could happen to someone in their life, this is not what I was expecting for me. 

Even better in two weeks Louis is coming to stay at my house for the weekend. Only Louis. None of the other boys. I'm going to implode either before he gets here or when he does get here. 

I'm going to try and tell Gemma and my mom soon. I want to do it this week but I'm not sure if I can do it. 

Why wasn't I born straight? 

Until next time   
Harry Styles x


	10. Chapter 10

September 6, 2010 

Dear Blank, 

Louis was here Saturday and Sunday. 

That was a wild ride to say the least...

Earlier this week I told Gemma. The first time I said it out loud to her. The only reason it came out was because she had begun getting annoying. 

"Harry you would tell me if you were dating someone right?" 

"Yes, why?"

"Well you seem to always talk about this Louis boy and..."

I kind of snapped and said, "Yes I am gay but I am not dating him." 

Her jaw dropped. It was a funny sight to see. Then I realized what I had said and started sobbing. 

That was an emotional probably two hours or so. I spilled everything to her, held nothing back. She listened like any good sister would, and asked questions when she felt it was needed. 

Then two days later Louis showed up and I shut down. For most of Saturday I barely talked to him or anything and he could tell something was up but he didn't push it. 

Until it had been over an hour before I had even said one word, he snapped, "Look Harry, I don't know what is up with you but if you want me to go I can go. But if it has to do with the fact that I'm gay, you should've fucking said something earlier, because now we both look like idiots." 

I didn't say anything. He got angrier. 

He got up from his chair and sat next to me on the couch and kept asking what he had done and if I didn't say anything. 

Here comes one of those times where I should have gone with my brain and not my gut (it was probably more heart but that sounds really girly). 

So I looked at Louis, he was still spitting nonsense about how I'm an asshole for even pretending that I was okay with him being gay. Then I did it. 

I kissed him. 

I think it was the shortest kiss of all time. Because he didn't kiss me back. So automatically my brain said, "Harry run get out he didn't kiss you back, get the fuck out."

Louis later on described me as looking like a dear in head lights when I had pulled away. But I literally got up and ran. Wasn't really thinking, just left, left the living room and ran out the front door. 

I eventually stopped at some bench around the corner of my house. I sat for what felt an eternity, when Louis came walking up. 

This is how the conversation went:

"Louis I'm so so so sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. I-"

"Harry shut up."

"No Louis please listen to me I shouldn't have done that I'm so sor-" 

*Insert Louis making an annoyed sound and then grabbing my face and kissing me* 

Once again, I was standing there looking like a dear in head lights. Louis asked if I wanted to go back to home and all I did was nod. He sort of led me back to the house, I don't remember much of the walk. 

When we got back to the house, we went up to my bedroom and I started crying. Up until this point I had no idea I could cry so much. I probably sound like a cry baby, I'm really not. I think if I wasn't crying I would be screaming. So either way it's not a good situation. 

Louis didn't say anything. Just sat with me on my bed and waited for me to be ready. 

Once I finally gathered myself, I started to explain myself. 

"Okay so one I still want to apologize for that. I'm um.. gay as well. I have only told my sister and the only reason I told her was because she kept pestering about it and it was annoying so I said it. This is only the second time. I didn't know how to tell you that no I didn't care that you were gay, so I kissed you. Probably could have done something better. I'm not trying to hit on you, you're actually the first boy I've ever kissed. So now you know, you aren't the only gay one."

The only thing Louis said was, "Well I figured that much after you kissed me. Now to make up for being such an arse to me, would you mind baking me some sort of pastry? Oh and a cup a of tea!"

After that the night went on as if nothing had happened. It was nice really, and I finally felt that weight being lifted off of my chest. 

Now I basically told Louis I had no feelings for him that way so now I have to internalize my excitement over him kissing me. Along with internalizing my sadness that it will be the last time he kisses me. 

But I should probably put my feelings aside and think about the band. I have to go back to school starting next week, so I'm not sure that I am even going to see the boys before going back to the X Factor. 

So unless I need to cry over my feelings for Louis, I probably won't write in this. And I really don't want to read this ten years from now and read about my sixteen year old crush. 

Until next time   
Harry Styles x


End file.
